You bring up a legitimate issue with a partner or coworker, hoping for an ordinary discussion. A few minutes later, you are apologizing again. The original issue is gone buried and you are now the villain somehow.
This disorienting experience is so ubiquitous. When you call someone out and they go on the defense, it is likely a special psychological trick. Then psychologist and researcher, Dr. Jennifer Freyd even titled an acronym that accurately delineates this pattern as: DARVO. Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender.
It is exhausting dealing with a blame shifter. In this post, we look at what makes some people behave in this way and practical ways to communicate so you can stand your ground.
Understanding the psychology behind script-flipping
Those Who Turn Things Around Rarely Do It By Luck This is an extremely potent if often unconscious tactic for avoiding responsibility. Before you can better communicate with these people, first step is to understand the reasons what drives their reactions.
What makes these people turn it like this instead of that?
You are conditioned to override a conversation from until October 2023. They suffer an existential threat when confronted with their own misconduct.
Things like denial and projection take over. They omit the experience of wrongness and project that wrongness on you, instead. A HUGE factor in this KIDS being emotionally immature! Owning a mistake takes emotional intelligence and vulnerability (what?) Those without these traits will use DARVO to shield themselves from shame.
This behavior is sometimes associated with certain personality types, like narcissism. Someone who is very narcissistic needs their self-image to be perfect. Admitting fault shatters that image. In addition, flipping the script is a strategy for unequal power and control in the relationship. If you are on the defensive constantly, then you give them no leverage to keep them accountable.
Effect it has on other person
The psychological impact of being on the receiving end of DARVO is massive. What the perpetrator has is an absolute certainty in their denial, and this fades little when they create a statement. They are used to living life like this so have no issues filing it away as a concern of events that never properly took place — cognitive dissonance plays out between your brain. You know what you felt, but they push back so hard that it makes you doubt your own memory.
And that leads to serious gaslighting and self-doubt. You’re probably very strict with yourself about accountability so you will genuinely ponder their accusations. You begin to doubt if you are as sensitive as they say or if the problem that you’re facing is your fault. Eventually this pattern makes you longing with emotional depletion, and the trust that lies at the heart of any healthy relationship eroded.
Identifying the behavior in real-time
If you are unaware of being manipulated, then how can you manage the conversation? Identifying the very tactics and words used to deflect responsibility is now part of your self-defense arsenal.
Common phrases and tactics
The DARVO defense mechanism was originally popularized in the academic literature by Dr. Jennifer Freyd, who argued it almost always goes down like this: Step 1: Attack the Accuser They start out by just outright denying the behavior. Next, they attack your credibility. Last, they present themselves as the real victim of your “unreasonable” expectations.
Tune in for the phrases you hear most often.
- “That never happened. You are making things up.”
- “You are entirely too sensitive. It was just a joke.”
- “You are so quick to fight about the littlest things.
- By the way, I only have done that because you were giving me no attention.
- A few days ago, my spouse was upset with me and said, “I can’t believe you are coming here guns blazing after all I do for you.”
Recognizing patterns in conversations
Another giant red flag is bringing up past events that have nothing to do with the post. Your partner could reply to your question about why they lied about their finances with a reference to the time you forgot to do an errand three years ago. The strategy here is to fill the feed with enough discordant and disparate complaints that the original point is completely lost. You have a blame-shifting pattern if you notice that the topic quickly reframed away from their actions, and into your character defects.
Strategies for effective communication
When you see the psychology and start to recognize the strategies, this is how you begin to disengage. You need not get into the trap of defending yourself against baseless accusations.
Preparation is key
Have an entry plan for the tough conversation. Know what you want out of the interaction. IS this a new boundary that you are setting with them — or do you want to just let them know how their actions have affected you?
Expect the mainstays of their attempts to throw you off the rails. You know they often follow statements with calling you dramatic, so brace yourself for that. To keep your message short and sweet, say it out loud and practice what you want to say.
During the conversation
Your body is probably going to react when the script flipping starts. Your heart may begin to race, and your threat-detecting systems will become activated. Breathe in and out to remain calm, emotional and stable.
Communicate with I-statements — These statements allow you to gently express how they impacted you and what needs were violated (e.g. we need our freedom, privacy) such as: “I feel sad because my privacy is invaded”. Because the facts of your emotional experience are harder to argue with.
Lay down hard limits and adhere to them. Repeat Your Main Point With Calmness, and Use the “Broken Record” Technique Avoid the trap of getting pulled into debates over lower-importance matters. If they come up with an instance of a past error on your part, respectfully reply: “We can talk about that later; but we are talking about what happened today.”
Stick to what is right in front of you as opposed to using your interpretation. Hear them out, but blatantly refuse to be responsible for their emotions. You are only accountable for your own actions. Finally, know when to disengage. If the conversation starts devolving to name-calling, or cyclical arguing, tell them you’re done discussing and walk away.
Post-conversation reflection
Take a minute to calm down when Secretary owes you one. Writing out the conversation is often very useful. Log it when it is fresh in your mind. When you start doubting yourself a few days later, this written record will put you back in reality. Think about which types of communication were effective and how you may change your method for the future conversation.
When to seek external help
Shouting to the heavens and waving hands around with your best communication strategy wont save a toxic dynamic. A relationship can become an emotionally unsafe one fairly rapidly if someone is using DARVO over and over again to elude accountability.
When it becomes a repeating cycle that is outwardly harming your mental health, you need to find help outside of yourself. If you are always anxious, fearful, or feeling like YOU have disappeared, there is nothing you can do alone. Individual Counseling provides a safe environment in which to replenish your self-esteem and grow clarity. Another option is couples therapy, but that only really works if both people are prepared to take a hard look at their behaviour.
More post: When You Don’t Know What To Say In Conversation
Reclaim control of your communication
Dealing with a conversation for either subject matter expert, and that they turn around takes patience, strategy and some very strong emotional boundaries. If you understand the psychology behind DARVO, it will help ease your feelings to no longer take their deflections as a personal attack.
Be sure to get your talking points out, stick to the facts, and refuse to participate in side arguments!! You should be free to express your discomfort without being guilted into an apology. Stand your ground, protect your peace, and never allow anyone rewrite your experience.
